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Women you meet in nightclubs can be super flakey. Why do they flake so much later – and what can you do to reduce their ghosting/flaking?
Spend any amount of time in nightlife, and you fast learn a rule: don’t go for phone numbers; go for same-night lays.
I did much of my early approaching in nightclubs, and took plenty of phone numbers from them. Yet time and again, the numbers that panned out were almost all from the minority of approaches I did outside the club – in transit, on the street, via social circle.
Even if I met a girl who liked to party and club on the street or in transit, I was still a lot more likely to get a date with her that way than had I met her in the club.
There were exceptions, of course. I took phone numbers from girls I met in nightclubs and bars and managed to sleep with them sometimes. But it was so infrequent it stood out.
Yet eventually, I fixed it. After enough years in the game, I reached the point where phone numbers from nightclubs are almost as reliable as phone numbers from girls from other places. How to fix the club-flake problem is the subject of this post.
A woman senses you only want to hook up with her, and closes herself off to you. Why’d it happen – and how do you prevent this ‘closing off’?
On an article from about half a year ago, Art commented:
“Has anyone noticed how women can sense if you don’t foresee a future relationship and put their guard up/ auto-reject? And then the women you DO want to become intimate with can sense a ‘strings-attached’ neediness, causing an imbalance? I’d love to get some insight on balancing attainability when being handsome yet shy. I get all kinds of signs from women that I’m excited to unlock, yet they can tell if it’s “real” or not very quickly and move on if the vibe isn’t real.”
It's a common scenario. A girl who liked you before, who realizes you don't want her for what she wants or might want with you, and auto-rejects.
Odds are you've seen this plenty. You start to talk to a girl, she's into you, but you realize you don't want anything long-term with her. All of a sudden it's as if she read your mind, and she grows frigid. The magic fades, and she makes her exit.
This is frustrating when you're on a notch hunt. You want to get more women in bed, raise your experience level, and have fun... but you don't necessarily want to commit to every girl who finds her way into your bed.
Yet girls keep realizing it, and keep going cold to you. Is there a way to stop this happening?
If a person tries to be pushy or a girl hits you with a question there’s no right answer for, the easiest way around it is to choose not to engage it.
Simple little tactic here. This will help you avoid innumerable stupid fights about ideological nonsense that is not worth your time.
Rather than differ with people over their opinions or beliefs or thoughts when they try to push them on you, just tell them “That’s not for me.”
It sets up a far healthier dynamic than stating what you DO want/think/believe. When you talk about what you want/think/believe, and it’s different from what someone else wants/thinks/believes, it’s easy for him to slip into being challenging or combative. Your mind has been, in his opinion, colonized by an alien ideology in need of rooting out.
For instance, if someone tells you “You really ought to get yourself a steady girlfriend!” and you don’t want a relationship, and tell him “I don’t believe in picking just one girl”, get ready for some combativeness. Even if your conversation partner doesn’t start swinging at your position, there’s a very good chance he views you as weird or sleazy or however he views men who don’t want to settle into a monogamous relationship.
There’s an easy way to avoid this disconnect though. Instead of telling him what you DO want/stand for, just tell him his suggestion isn’t for you.
Despite the pop culture memes, women don’t actually know you definitely want sex… unless you make it clear to them.
There’s this pervasive belief many men have that women must
automatically know you want to have sex with them if you do. Women on
television claim men are all about
sex, or always have sex on the mind, and roll their eyes at perpetually
horny males. Women you meet in real life get in on the act too;
they may complain to you “guys only want sex.” And men see these
things, and hear these things, and assume women
must actually mean it.
There is an important realization to have about this ‘belief’, however. That realization is that it is far from an absolute belief. Any more than even a deeply woman-skeptical man who says “The only thing women want is money!” genuinely, truly, at his very core, believes “the only thing women want is money.” You know, and I know, and that guy at his core knows that every time he meets a cute girl, what he thinks is “Geez, I sure hope she likes me for me.”
Women do the same thing with “Guys only want sex.” It is the same statement as “Girls only want money.” Neither sex absolutely believes it (though the more cynical members of either sex may be strongly opinionated about it). Yet they repeat these statements nevertheless.
We won’t bother to deal with the women-only-want-money belief, since that isn’t affecting us here (and we’ve dealt with that and similar women-only-want-X beliefs in the past). For this meme’s effects on women, just look at all the women who rush to pay for their own meals in the West now; many of the women who rush to pay are women who fear being labeled with the “This chick only wants money from me” label. Today though, we’re going to put the men-sex statement under the microscope – because of the impacts it has on you, Dear Reader.
How do you know your girlfriend is losing interest and checking out? There are 7 signs of this, from makeovers to disagreeableness to new Sex in the City gal pals.
Picture this: you get into a relationship with a girl, and at first everything is pretty good. Not perfect, but good. Things coast along for a year or two, consistently pretty good: she’s fun to be with, she cooks you nice meals, you have nice sex. It’s good.
Then at some point, things start to feel ‘different’. It’s hard to put your finger on what. But it feels like your girlfriend is losing interest. Your gut tells you she is checking out... but when you confront her on it, she tells you not to be ridiculous. It’s not that she’s checking out, she says; she just wants to [whatever it is she’s doing]. You grumble a bit and try to ignore your misgivings. Maybe she’s right and it’s all in your head.
A few months go by and the relationship quality is now definitely not what it used to be. When you try to talk to her about it though, she dismisses the thought. More and more, she seems checked out of the relationship.
Eventually she tells you she wants to “take a break” for a while and maybe get back together again later. You knew it was coming; but you couldn’t put your finger on exactly why. And you knew of no way to stop it.
Today’s article looks at the 7 most common signs a girlfriend is ‘checking out’ of your relationship. These are the signs she isn’t out yet – but might be on her way there. Forewarned is forearmed; if you don’t want to be broadsided by a surprise breakup (or a surprise affair), these signs are your fair warning. Note that these signs serve equally well for wives as they do for girlfriends; any serious relationship is subject to the same potential signs.
I lately responded to a comment where I talked about one kind of barrier destroyer. I figured I’d talk about some others here.
Barriers are a spectacular tactic. They challenge a girl you are with to take some kind of action (favorable to the direction you want to move things in) to get things moving. For instance, “I’d really love to get to know you better. But you have this sarcastic attitude toward any attempts at real talk that makes it so difficult.” Use this with a girl you have a good thing going with, and you make her aware of her defenses, and encourage her to drop them (to let you in). Another common barrier: “If it wasn’t for the crowd of people around us, my hands would be all over you.” A girl who’s already pretty into you is fairly likely to start suggesting somewhere more private the two of you might head at this point.
But this article isn’t about using barriers yourself. It’s about what to do when women use barriers on you.
Because they can and they will.
The productive barriers you don’t need to dismantle, of course. If she says “It’s too bad we’re in public and not somewhere private right now”, don’t destroy that barrier. Just get her somewhere alone with you.
It’s the unproductive barriers you need to watch out for. Ones that put the brakes on the courtship, slip you into the boyfriend zone, or banish you to the platonic friend zone.
When a girl hits you with an unproductive barrier, you can
feel stuck: barriers can be hard to tear down in an effective way. They
put up a wall between you and her that can feel insurmountable. This
article gives you the tools to get unstuck, and get past the wall.
Nervous tics can play havoc with your social and romantic attractiveness. But before you can eliminate them, you’ve got to know you’ve got ‘em first.
One of the biggest contributors to your attractiveness to the opposite sex is the strength of your fundamentals. Fundamentals (in Girls Chase parlance) include everything from your physique, to your fashion, to your hairstyle, facial expressions, walk, voice, mannerisms, and a whole lot more (larger discussion of fundamentals here).
The reason fundamentals are so important is the good qualities they convey of you:
Even if the majority of your fundamentals are in excellent shape though, there's one thing that poses a direct threat to this powerful, nonplussed impression you'd otherwise create with them.
That one thing is the subject of this article: tics.
Tics are small behaviors with large negative effects on your overall impression. People often won't be consciously aware of what is setting them off when they respond to a tic; they'll just know something seems off about you. When everything else says "strong and composed" but one thing says "uncomfortable", that one bad apple spoils the whole bunch.
There's an upside to this, though: eliminate tics, and you boost to your overall presentation. Once you've stripped out a tic that was 'giving you away' in uncomfortable situations, you get a uniform presentation that stays cool, collected, and attractive, no matter how hard a girl tests you or how much her friends challenge or interloper males try to pick her off from you. Or, for that matter, no matter how heated things get at work, how uncomfortable you feel when asked for ID on the street by a random police officer, or when you walk up to that super cute girl and seem collected even though inside you're a bundle of nerves.
We'll focus on 12 common types of tics today that manifest in your face or body language. Note there are also vocal tics (like throat clearing or repeating your own words or someone else's), but, with one exception, we won't cover those in this article. We'll stay focused on visual tics in this piece.
Friend zones, friends with benefits, sexless marriages – many relationships are lopsided and unhappy. Why do these relationships exist (and how do you avoid them)?
In dating, there is one truth above all, and that is that men want a few things from women, and women want a few things from men, and not all those things overlap.
The result of this failure to overlap is sometimes you have a woman who is good at getting what she wants without giving the men she gets it from everything (or anything) they want. Likewise, you sometimes have a man who is good at getting what he wants without giving the women he gets it from everything (or anything) they want.
This mismatch is the root of all the most unhappy relationships with the most broken dynamics you see in dating. The friend zone, where a man who wants intimacy with a woman is exiled to her sexless borderlands without it. Friends with benefits, which some women are fine with for some time, but most women eventually go at least a little crazy in. Disrespectful and/or sexless long-term relationships or marriages, where the man is treated as a second-class partner. And neglectful and/or domineering long-term relationships or marriages, where the woman is treated as a second-class partner.
The Zen area of dating, of course, are setups where both partners get what they want: where the woman gets everything she desires, and the man gets everything he desires.
But not every coupling will be this way. Most won’t.
Instead, most fall somewhere into that overlap zone – for a very simple reason.
Do you ignore signs of interest from girls or get too nervous to approach? You may want to spend 5 minutes to rehearse approaches and scenarios in your mind.
If you’ve ever gone out to chat up new women and had approach anxiety hit, you know how much it sucked. You wanted to talk to girls, hoped to talk to girls, tried to talk to girls... then couldn’t.
You walked up next to a girl with the long black hair and the tight jeans on the street corner as she waited for the light to change. You said nothing.
You took a seat in a café next to a girl with medium-length blonde hair and big googly glasses. She glanced at you a few times, and you tried to summon your nerve. Yet your nerve went unsummoned, and you and her never spoke.
That night you went out with your buddies to the lounge, and this one girl in a sequined dance danced over right near you. You could tell she wanted to meet you. You tried to get yourself to say hi, but you didn’t say anything.
You wish you could just spring into action the moment you saw a girl.
Is there a way you could?
Perhaps there is. Next time you go out, try to rehearse your approaches first.
Everyone out there is trying to influence you. How susceptible are you to that influence – and how susceptible are those around you?
I wanted to write a quick post (that turned out not to be so quick)
on resistance and susceptibility to
influence. This article is something of a cousin piece to my piece on grouping and herding in dating
from last week.
The subject of this article - resistance and susceptibility to influence- goes for you and the people around you. Your friends, your family, your workmates, your lovers, partners, and dates.
Everyone is susceptible to the influence of other people and forces. The degree of susceptibility varies from person to person, and situation to situation. Some people are more easily influenced than others. Some situations make it easier to influence people than others. Most people are only marginally aware (at best) of their influencability.
If you are susceptible to influence but do not realize it, other people can step into your mind and make you think things and believe things you might not really want to think or believe. This can lead you to taking actions you might previously not have agreed with. Sometimes this turns out to be beneficial; sometimes not really.
For an example of the beneficial sort, I had a friend in university who influenced me to apply for an internship with Nike and pick up a minor in supply chain. Until this friend, I did not care about getting a job after school, was doing the minimum necessary to get through school, and disdained the idea of internships. Yet because of this friend, who'd had an impressive co-op run building a new supply chain process at Tyco, I grew excited about getting a good job and doing better in school. I didn't get the internship, but came in second in a pool of 200 candidates and got some very valuable feedback from the interviewer which played a key role in me getting the job I did get, a year later. I got more a lot more focused on school and got straight As again the next semester, for the first time in years. And I got my dream job on the first try - I zeroed in on them and the job fair and blew their socks off in my interview. Had that friend not influenced me, none of that would've happened.
Years later, I was in a startup where one of my business partners influenced me to open up the purse strings more than I thought was wise, against my instincts and all the reading I'd done on startups spending all their money too quick being one of the #1 reasons they go under. He influenced me to do a number of other things more in-tune with how he thought we should do things and less in tune with how I thought we should. We ran out of money and I had to close the business and lay everyone off. The partner who'd influenced me to spend more managed to negotiate the rights to the business away from myself and the other partner (despite having joined the startup much later, and having taken far more capital out of it than he'd put into it), then sold those rights to another group of founders. The business is now a successful venture-backed business doing everything I originally wanted to do, and would've had it do... had we not run out of funds so quick.
I don't regret the experience (I enjoy Girls Chase much more as a business; and I received a lifetime of invaluable lessons in negotiation, predatory partnerships, and sticking to your guns - plus a healthy dose of business confidence after I found I'd been right all along), but the outcome was a direct result of that business partner influencing me to act in ways contrary to how I'd have acted on my own.
Every human being is susceptible to the influence of other human beings. There are no exceptions to this. Locate the strongest, most resolute human being in the world, and I guarantee you we can find a way to make him crack with enough time, and the right people, in the right situation.
The question we want to look at today though is how susceptible vs. resistant are you and those around you?